Things you're not allowed to do anymore
by the fox good
Summary: A list of rules in the 40K universe
1. Chapter 1

**Rule 1:** **Space Marines over 500 years of age, are not allowed inside museums. The museum curators are becoming annoyed with the false alarms.**

"That was the most boring history museum I have ever seen, in my five centuries of life." Muttered the veteran Blood Raven as he moved to the exit. Just as he was about to step out of the door...

 _ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!_

That happened.

 _AN ARTIFACT IS BEING STOLEN!_

"Whaaaa?"

Nearby, a lone security officer looked up from his book and towards the exit. "Not again," He sighed as he got up. He gathered up his titanic balls and headed over to the dumbfounded Space Marine. "I'm sorry Sir, but I need to search you for any stolen artifacts."

"But I haven't taken anything. Are you accusing me of thievery?"

"Firstly, I'm sorry, but this is museum policy. Secondly, how old are you exactly?"

The Blood Raven crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at the small human. "A little over five centuries. Why?"

"Well, whenever an older Space Marine tries to leave, the alarm trips. This is the eighth time this week." The Titanic man stared unbelievingly with a single eyebrow raised.

"Surely you jest?"

"No, Sir, I do not. And don't call me Shirley." They were both silent for several seconds.

 _ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!_

"Emperor damn it." The guard massaged his temple while waving the newly confused Space Wolf over.

"Is there an issue?" The new arrival asked, and the officer sighed again.

"May I ask you how old you are, Space Marine?"

"Why, over six centuries of glorious battle against the xenos hordes." The man with balls the size of Terra looked back to the Blood Raven, his eyes portraying his message clearer than any words could.

"Sirs, I'm going to have to search the both of you for any stolen artifacts." The space Wolf made to respond, when the Blood Raven just put a colossal hand on his shoulder.

"Wolf, we are too old. We continue setting off the alarm."

"You must be joking." The Blood Raven said nothing as he walked to the exit.

 _ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!_

"Sirs, if you keep doing that, there would... be... Emperor damn it all." The guard complained as he saw an entire squad of old-looking Space Marines make way toward the exit.

 **AUTHORS NOTE:** **Firstly, we feel horrible for that poor guard. Secondly, this will be a mostly comedic story of one-shots, on what you aren't allowed to do in the 40k universe, with scenarios included.**

 **Thirdly, in the name of the Emperor, and the Imperium, PLEASE send up ideas you want to see. We cannon be expected to come up with everything, also, if you could give a short example explaining your idea, it would be appreciated. If your idea is selected, we will include your name both in the beginning, and in the chapter scenario if you want.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Rule 2:** **Inquisitors and Acolytes in the Ordo Malleus are not allowed to use captured Daemons as "Pokémon" to battle each other.**

 _Hello there! Welcome to the world of Voenus IV! I am Inquisitor Oak! People call me the Daemon Prof! This world is inhabited by Daemons! For some people, Daemons are pets, those people are usually Heretics. Others use them for fights like you will be. Myself...I study Daemons as a profession._

"Of course you are! You're in the Ordo Malleus, idiot!"

"Shut it, acolyte!" The Lord-Inquisitor exclaimed as the lights came on, and the video cut out, "Continuing from where the video left off, This will be your tool to capture any Daemons you defeat." He said as held up a heavy looking ball, the size of his hand. "Inside this, is pure warp energy. It creates a small world that will contain one Daemon, and one Daemon only. When you want to release your Daemon for battle, you will press this." He said, his finger pointing to a circular button holding the ball closed.

"But, if you free the Daemon, won't it kill everything in sight?"

"Usually, yes. But due to the warp, our scientists have found out a way to pacify the Daemons for a short period of time." The Inquisitor had every eye focused on the ball. "They will be nigh obedient, now here is a demo-" There was the sound of screaming and shuffling as every acolyte in the room was now brace against the far wall as the ball opened and a purplish cloud spawned the Daemon two feet away from the Inquisitor on stage.

"By the Emperor, its the Arch-traitor Horus!"

"I know, but don't worry. The Daemons will never attack its owner-"

"That thing is going to murder us all!"

"You see," The Inquisitor said as he began circling around the blank-eyed Horus, randomly poking him as he goes around, "The Daemons are completely obedient. They are your best friend and your worst enemy, like Slaanesh."

There was then the sound of stumbling and chairs being knocked out of the way, before nearby curtains parted showing another Inquisitor. "Hey! What do you have against Slaanesh! I will have you know that he- er, she- er, it? It! It is perfectly acceptable to use its Daemons!"

"Yeah, like you do when you 'interrogate' them?" The second reeled back as if physically struck.

"What are you insinuating?"

"Well, it is perfectly legal in the order, I suppose."

"I-I-I..." He stammered, red faced.

"But still, half of your Daemons are cheating sluts!"

"I'll have you know that _charm_ is a perfectly legitimate tactic! Like camping!"

"Bullshit! I've lost several battles to that 'legitimate tactic'."

"Okay, first off, its actually warpshit. Secondly, You're just pissed because you're a sore loser!"

"Uh, are we dissmissed?"

"Shut it acolyte!" They shouted simultaneous

"Horus, use lightning attack!" There was a flash of electricity and the spot where the previous Inquisitor stood was now charred stone.

"You son of a bitch!" A shout came from behind a podium. "That's it, I'm pulling out the big guns now!" Suddenly, a massive ball bathed in a purple glow was held above the podium. "Slaanesh! I choose you!"

"Wait, what?" Everyone else in the room asked simultainously. There was this sudden feeling of uncleanliness in the room as a horrid laughter echoed around the room.

 _"YoU hAvE rElEaSeD mE, mAsTeR?"_ The voice mocked.

"That sounds so wrong, and yet so right."

"Yes, I did, now attack Horus!"

"NO! Horus, use harden!"

"Hmmmmmm." Groaned Horus as seemingly nothing happened.

After nearly five hours, the planet now found itself the prime hotspot for a well placed Exterminatus. Great job, guys.

 **Authors note: Horus just came out of nowhere, and we thought Slaanesh would be funny.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Rule 3:** **You are not to challenge any Eldar Representative to "a standard Lego firewalk Challenge," because it ruins any chance of an alliance.**

"Now Farseer, before we finalize this alliance, there is a customary challenge we must do."

"Oh? And what is that?" The farseer replied, not noticing the growing smirk on the Guardsman's face.

"Why, it is called the four-meter long Lego Firewalk. We actually have one set up right over here." He said as he gestured to a large rectangular container of various plastic Legos.

"Eh, Yes. What do I need to do Colonel?" The Guardsman's smirk threatened to fall off of his face. Whether or not the Farseer, noticed, she did not show any sign.

"Here, let me get a demonstration to show what you must do." He quickly looked around until he found someone. "You Private Joe-enes!"

"For the last time, its pronou- Sir!"

"I need you to demonstrate the Lego Firewalk to the Farseer." The Private suddenly lost all color of his face and began sweating heavily, remembering his boot camp days.

"Sir, I-I need to-"

"Come Private, demonstrate." With that, the Colonel turned back to the Farseer. "Firstly, you must remove any footwear while commencing the Firewalk." The private slowly removed his boots and socks. "Then, you must stomp as you go through." Joe-enes proceeded to stomp through the firewalk, each stomp forcing him to shed more tears than the last. "And finally, your feet must not exceed six inches from the previous." Once the Colonel had finished, the Private had made it to the other side; and was held, getting told that he earned all the ice cream that he wants for the next ten years.

"Now, its your turn Farseer." Said the Colonel while smirking.

"I... see... shall we start now then?" Asked the Farseer, wearing the same smirk.

"I'm sorry what?" He asked, his smirk falling off his face when he spotted her smirk.

"You said 'we', so we shall do this at the same time."

"Well, I, there's hardly enough room..."

"Nonsense, it is as wide as you are tall." The Colonel took a deep breath and thought about how it will be worth it.

"Alright Farseer, you're on."

Moments later, both were stomping even harder than the last, while both trying, and failing, to hold in their screams. Tears were freely flowing from both of their faces, both pretending that it was sweat. Once finished, they both fell forward, barely able to maintain balance. "So, how was that Farseer?"

"Such an easy task for once such as I."

"Then, would you like to do it again?"

"NO. I-I mean, no, I'm fine without. Would you?"

"N-not at all. After all, we only need to do it once." The onlookers were not sure weather to feel pity, or amusement. So they did both. None of them, were going to let this die.

"And that's how I met your mother."

 **Authors note: The next chapter will be delayed for a while due to difficulties and life getting in the way. We will try to simplify the difficulties and burn down Life's house.**

 **Other than that, you guys are awesome, and keep doing what you do.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Rule 4:** **Always inform transport pilots of their cargo.**

"Deploying the Ultramarines!" The first pilot exclaimed as the Thunderhawk touched down to the ground.

"I thought we had the Dark Angels?" The second asked, looking up from the controls.

"Here, let me check the dossier," The first said, picked up the sheet, "Nope, it say's we have the Salamanders, but the dossier is always wrong."

"Okay then, what the hell do we have? They never told us what Legion we were assigned to!"

"... Was it the Blood Angels?"

"How should I know! They never told us!"

"Did you check their paint colors?"

"The Thunderhawk isn't even painted yet."  
"... Well it can't be the Iron Hands."

"Why not?"

"Because the other Thunderhawk is delivering them." He explained, pointing to a second unpainted Thunderhawk.

"Wait, I thought they were carrying the Imperial Fists."

"Screw it, you wanna go check?"

"Why the hell not, the ramp is jammed anyway." With that, the two pilots climbed down and headed around to the ramp, and began to lower the ramp. The legion inside was painted a dirty green, coated in a rusty brown trimming. "Oh, it's just the Sons of Horus." The two pilots just nodded in appreciation of finally knowing what they had, before slowly closing the ramp.

"How long do you think the ramp will hold against the traitors?"

"... Five minutes probably."

"That's enough time to run, right?"

"Easily." This was interrupted, as banging noise sounded through the ramp, and the two pilots running towards the Iron Hands, screaming their heads off.

 **A.N. Well, here it is. Chapter 4. Sorry we took so long, and the short chapter; but, that's life for you, and we're not really being paid to do this. Next time should hopefully be a bit longer.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Rule 5:** **When making a reinforce wall, layers are not to be made out of Space Marines.**

"Alright, just two more layers to go after this one, and the Hive City will be open to capture." The lead rebel explained as he finished setting up the plasma charges.

"You know, you'd think there would be some Space Marines here by now, this is an important planet after all."

"You're right, this is really suspicious. They sent out a message like, two years ago? And wasn't there a Space marine chapter nearby?" Questioned the lead rebel, while checking over the charges.

"Well, this is the Imperium. If they managed to react that fast, it would be a fucking miracle."

"Oh come on, the reaction time isn't that bad."

"The reaction time is why I joined! It took them a century to respond to those long-ranged blue bastards! And that was a fast reaction time! So there is no way a Space Marine chapter could be here already."

"Well, I guess your right, but that's still depressing. Anyway, I'm about to blow the charges." He said, leading the group back away from the radius. And without even a countdown, he clicked the button, the wall vaporized in a ball of plasma, "Now only two more layers to... what the fuck?"

As the plasma cleared, the rebels saw large figures of black and gold standing upon each others shoulders. The silence that followed was deafening, before it was broken by the sounds of bolters rising up to point at the rebels, "Ready! Aim!"

"Can we talk about this!"

"Fire!" The lead rebel made a noise of some kind, though it was not heard due to the flood of bolter fire. And this, the rebellion of Sygon IV was quelled. The chapter was later chided by the High Lords themselves on the reckless and dangerous tactics employed, after all, it would have been embarrassing to have the chapter extinct due to 'buried in a wall'.


End file.
